agentak: (Default)
Okay so I have an exam on Monday. I was planning on pulling an all-nighter tonight to write up my notes for it but I'm freaking out so much that I have to stop.

I missed the class before last. I'm totally broke and don't have a car, but my parents either drive me or give me bus fare so I don't mind that much.

Except last Monday.

At the last minute my dad decides not to give me a ride. I was arguing with my mom about bus fare and she was being really irrational complaining that "There's no way it costs that much for you to get to and from school!" (I have to take, like, several buses) and so she wouldn't give me enough to get there and back. Essentially, I was like "Fuck this, it's not happening" and then I went back to bed.

But then my mom had a change of heart (apparently) and woke me up to annouce that she has the fare for me.... half an hour after my bus left. The bus I have to take to get there only runs in the morning and in the afternoon. The last morning bus left at 8:30. The next one won't come until 4 pm. My class is at 10 am. My mom didn't understand why I wasn't thrilled that she finally decided to give me the cash to get to school and so after another argument, I went back to sleep.

Then I go to class last Wednesday and found out that we took down all the definitions that we need to know for the exam. There's a huge fucking list of them. I have a list of the words but no definitions. They aren't the dictionary definitions as the words have their own unique meanings in the context of the course ('valid', for example, means something totally different from it's dictionary definition) and I can oly find a handful of the more common ones online.

The best part? The textbook we're using is wrong over half the time. My Prof corrects the textbook as he lectures so I can't look up the terms in that since it's total crap.

I'm pissed off and stressed out and I feel like crying. My parents pushed me to go back to school and now it's like pulling teeth to get to class and I hate this. They promised me they'd get me a bus pass when I started school but changed their minds when it actually came down to buying me one (funny enough, they've spent more so far on my fares than it costs to buy a pass). They want me to be a full-time student next semester but if it's this hard getting to one class I don't want to know what it will be like trying to get to four. They swore that next time they'd get me a pass but that's what they said for this semester and that was a total lie...

I'm going to fail the exam so miserably I don't even see the point of showing up. The saddest part is that on the last exam I got the highest  mark in the class. Now I'm going to be at the bottom of the barrel.
agentak: (Default)
Okay, so I've been somewhat quiet lately. The reason being is that I've been getting ready for my trip to Tallahassee next week (YAY FLORIDA!) and doing doctor stuff.

You know how I posted that I was diagnosed with scoliosis? Well, my physiotherapist did his assessment of me and thought that there was a lot more going on with me than just that, so he wrote to my doctor and sent me back for more tests.

Hey guys, I've got Rhumetoid Arthritus! (and possibly some other things)

It's not so bad, I figured out like years ago that I probably had arthritus but most doctors just shrugged it off with stuff like "How would you know what arthritus feels like?", "You're too young to have it", "There's nothing we can do for something like that anyway so there's no point testing for it", ect.

I'm just really happy to finally have a documented diagnosis. I'm being referred to a Rhumetologist, and I'll have to do some more tests for it before they decide what kind of treatment would be best for me.
agentak: (Default)
Okay so on Saturday night at one am I was in so much pain I was crying. There was something seriously wrong with my spine. My dad took me to the emergency room at the hospital and I just kept getting worse until eight am (seven hours later) when one of the doctors finally got around to seeing me (no, it wasn't busy, it's just the shittiest ER in the area). They did x-rays and I have Scoliosis.

While that's something I'll have my whole life, this particular back spasm should be gone in the next few days but until it goes away I'm in agony and I'm totally drained in every sense of the word. I'm so tired because I'm in so much pain I can't sleep.

I'm on percosets, but they aren't strong enough. I think that says something.

I'm going to go now because the pain makes me so sick I've got a blinding headache an fever, but I can't cool down because my back muscles need to stay warm.

Somebody just put me out of my misery.
agentak: (Default)
I haven't written in a little while but I swear I'll write a catch-up entry on those horrible months. Surgery and major computer drama (very long story short: Best Buy incinerated my hard drive with almost four years of WIP writing and other data without making the back-up I hired them to do simply because they're fuckwits. Anyway.)

Life sucks pretty hard right now. I'm upset about a lot of things going on and it's hit me hard.  I won't detail it all here because frankly that would clog up my page, but anyone who wants to know can just send me an email/facebook message/ect. I also have AIM now so if people want to add me there just drop me a line. I'm still not all that great with it, but moving on.

We're entering the seventh consecutive night with under an hour's sleep and it's really taking it's toll on me. Stuff like typing or texting can take me forever simply because I'll look back at what I just typed and see that I've made a lot of stupid mistakes on letters or whatever, so if there are a lot of mistakes in this.... I'm trying my best to keep them all out, but it's hard.

As of two nights ago I've had schizophrenic attacks at night. I almost never get them. Like, ever. I can't even remember the time I had a bad one. These ones weren't as bad as the ones I used to get, but they're a factor that's keeping me awake. Being so tired and so stressed out brought them on and now I'm sleeping even worse than before. Which says a lot. For some reason my lightswitch controlled music. When I turned my light off to go to bed, music played. When I turned the light back on it was gone. This went on for several hours.

The one thing I've realized is that it really says something that I live with family, my bedroom is direcly beside my parent's, but when I'm having a fit all I do is reach for my phone and text someone in Florida.

Izzy, I don't know if you'll read this or not but I love you so much. It means the world to me that I have someone that I can text that won't totally think I'm a freak.

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agentak

November 2016

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