agentak: (Default)
Because I was stupid and didn't renew my ani-virus program when my license expired, my computer crashed. I'll have to take it in tomorrow to get it scrubbed down, but I don't know how long I'll be without. Some of my accounts I can't get on from other computers, like DA. I'll be stuck using the family computer when I get a chance (I don't get much time alone with it), so I won't be on much until I get this fixed. I'll probably end up replying to all your comments like a week from now.

Love you guys, I'm sorry!



(PS: [livejournal.com profile] outlineofwinter , email fails us. Srsly when I get my computer back we're just skyping. )
agentak: (Default)
Okay so I have an exam on Monday. I was planning on pulling an all-nighter tonight to write up my notes for it but I'm freaking out so much that I have to stop.

I missed the class before last. I'm totally broke and don't have a car, but my parents either drive me or give me bus fare so I don't mind that much.

Except last Monday.

At the last minute my dad decides not to give me a ride. I was arguing with my mom about bus fare and she was being really irrational complaining that "There's no way it costs that much for you to get to and from school!" (I have to take, like, several buses) and so she wouldn't give me enough to get there and back. Essentially, I was like "Fuck this, it's not happening" and then I went back to bed.

But then my mom had a change of heart (apparently) and woke me up to annouce that she has the fare for me.... half an hour after my bus left. The bus I have to take to get there only runs in the morning and in the afternoon. The last morning bus left at 8:30. The next one won't come until 4 pm. My class is at 10 am. My mom didn't understand why I wasn't thrilled that she finally decided to give me the cash to get to school and so after another argument, I went back to sleep.

Then I go to class last Wednesday and found out that we took down all the definitions that we need to know for the exam. There's a huge fucking list of them. I have a list of the words but no definitions. They aren't the dictionary definitions as the words have their own unique meanings in the context of the course ('valid', for example, means something totally different from it's dictionary definition) and I can oly find a handful of the more common ones online.

The best part? The textbook we're using is wrong over half the time. My Prof corrects the textbook as he lectures so I can't look up the terms in that since it's total crap.

I'm pissed off and stressed out and I feel like crying. My parents pushed me to go back to school and now it's like pulling teeth to get to class and I hate this. They promised me they'd get me a bus pass when I started school but changed their minds when it actually came down to buying me one (funny enough, they've spent more so far on my fares than it costs to buy a pass). They want me to be a full-time student next semester but if it's this hard getting to one class I don't want to know what it will be like trying to get to four. They swore that next time they'd get me a pass but that's what they said for this semester and that was a total lie...

I'm going to fail the exam so miserably I don't even see the point of showing up. The saddest part is that on the last exam I got the highest  mark in the class. Now I'm going to be at the bottom of the barrel.
agentak: (Default)
Okay so on Saturday night at one am I was in so much pain I was crying. There was something seriously wrong with my spine. My dad took me to the emergency room at the hospital and I just kept getting worse until eight am (seven hours later) when one of the doctors finally got around to seeing me (no, it wasn't busy, it's just the shittiest ER in the area). They did x-rays and I have Scoliosis.

While that's something I'll have my whole life, this particular back spasm should be gone in the next few days but until it goes away I'm in agony and I'm totally drained in every sense of the word. I'm so tired because I'm in so much pain I can't sleep.

I'm on percosets, but they aren't strong enough. I think that says something.

I'm going to go now because the pain makes me so sick I've got a blinding headache an fever, but I can't cool down because my back muscles need to stay warm.

Somebody just put me out of my misery.
agentak: (Default)

Title: I Don't Believe You
Pairing: SPANGEL!
Summary: Spike chases after the past, but does he even understand how he feels?
Written for Izzy, who is made of epic levels of awesome.

NOTE: If you want the full experiance, watch this video first:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7zweXz-XrY That song was playing in my head the whole time writing the second half of this.

 


 





’Angelus was often seen with his vampire lovers, most notably he chose Darla, Drusilla and William the Bloody.  )
agentak: (Default)
I haven't written in a little while but I swear I'll write a catch-up entry on those horrible months. Surgery and major computer drama (very long story short: Best Buy incinerated my hard drive with almost four years of WIP writing and other data without making the back-up I hired them to do simply because they're fuckwits. Anyway.)

Life sucks pretty hard right now. I'm upset about a lot of things going on and it's hit me hard.  I won't detail it all here because frankly that would clog up my page, but anyone who wants to know can just send me an email/facebook message/ect. I also have AIM now so if people want to add me there just drop me a line. I'm still not all that great with it, but moving on.

We're entering the seventh consecutive night with under an hour's sleep and it's really taking it's toll on me. Stuff like typing or texting can take me forever simply because I'll look back at what I just typed and see that I've made a lot of stupid mistakes on letters or whatever, so if there are a lot of mistakes in this.... I'm trying my best to keep them all out, but it's hard.

As of two nights ago I've had schizophrenic attacks at night. I almost never get them. Like, ever. I can't even remember the time I had a bad one. These ones weren't as bad as the ones I used to get, but they're a factor that's keeping me awake. Being so tired and so stressed out brought them on and now I'm sleeping even worse than before. Which says a lot. For some reason my lightswitch controlled music. When I turned my light off to go to bed, music played. When I turned the light back on it was gone. This went on for several hours.

The one thing I've realized is that it really says something that I live with family, my bedroom is direcly beside my parent's, but when I'm having a fit all I do is reach for my phone and text someone in Florida.

Izzy, I don't know if you'll read this or not but I love you so much. It means the world to me that I have someone that I can text that won't totally think I'm a freak.
agentak: (Default)
Fuck my life. Fuck my luck. Fuck my taste in people. Fuck the Livejournal cut. Just fuck it all.

You want to know my fucking relationship history in a nutshell? Here it is; start to finish. Yes, finish. I've fucking had it. I hope you'll understand why by the end of this.


Enter boyfriend A. Much older (I was 15; he was starting in a very prestigious Medical Student program at 18). Very good-looking, made great money, loved me like crazy, my parents ADORED him, we had a lot in common, he was very intelligent, never pushed me for anything sexual (I wasn't comfortable), loved to spoil me and shower me with gifts, wanted to get on good terms with my friends. Seems great, right? Several months in he becomes a creepy, possessive, obsessed abusive stalker. After a year-long engagement (Yeah, I said 'yes' after he had started treating me like shit. I am an idiot. Moving on.), I've had enough and I work up the strength to dump his needy ass. I did not, however, leave the relationship fast enough to miss out on plently of emotional scarring. This is where I believe the troubles began.


Girlfriend A. A friend of mine that I dated for like one or two weeks a few months after boyfriend A; but we decided to part ways because while we made good friends, there was no chemistry.


Girlfriend B. About eight months ish after girlfriend A. We were fine and dated for about two months; but I was somewhat emotionally distant. She sent me a six-paragraph email detailing how much she was in love with me. The email ended with: "We don't get to go out all that often, but that would be fine if we were having sex." I respond that I'm not ready. She dumps me right there and ten minutes afterward decides it's totally fine to upload pictures taken DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP of her at parties making out with random people half-clothed.


Boyfriend B. Started dating at the end of June; broke up an hour ago. Gorgeous, great kisser, really sweet, Russian, he seemed to really want to get to know me, he seemed like an all-around great guy. Then in one conversation revealed himself to be an unintelligent, arrogant, self-centered, old-fashioned, controlling, misogynistic, homophobic douchebag. All in the span of one hour-long phone call, he loudly voiced his opinion that a woman's place was in the kitchen, what a horrible place the world is because a man will come home to dirty dishes and an empty table because women don't all just stay home, that women who are unhappy in their marraiges should shut their damn mouths because it's probably their fault, that I'm practically retarded for wanting to adopt, about he would personally smash all the cameras in a tv network that had programs showing homosexuality in a positive light, how if his future son ever turned out to be gay he'd spend all his time and money on therapists to 'fix' the boy...Eh, need I go on? I told him I wasn't interested anymore, said good-bye and hung up. He sends me a lovely text afterward whining about how horrible I am, with everything rainging to physical appearance to my apparent lack of intelligence, to my disgusting liberal 'morals'. It wasn't even well-written. It was just angry, bitter slander. All I could think was (well, first off that he's calling me brain-deadly stupid and he was constantly asking me to explain myself because he couldn't follow complex sentences. His english was fantastic. Apparently he's just stupid.) Wow, this guy is not used to being dumped.

So I'm done. Fuck it. All I attract are scumbags and losers. I'm not trying anymore. I'm a solitary person anyway. I'm actually really glad the last one turned out to have opinions like he did. My problem is that I will take a lot of shit from my relationships. Not just romantic, but in general. Homophobia is one of the only lines I have left. Homophobic people get cut out of my life immediately. I just want to know why the HELL he would tell someone he KNEW to be bisexual that gay people are "dirty and disgusting". And he liked girl-on-girl. I find that ironic. Anyway, he's gone and done with, I'm not making that mistake again. But I'm done. Fuck it.
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